Always Kind, Never Nice
Growing up in Grand Rapids, MI, I learned my manners at the table, in gift giving, and in polite conversation. To be respectable midwestern citizen, I learned “how to be nice”. In moving to Los Angeles for seminary at age 22, where everyone is in therapy, I began to learn more about my family system and styles of relationship. Over the last 30+ years in my clinical training, continued therapy, spiritual direction, and the ups and downs of relationships, I have learned now how to be honest.
Spending years at the bedside with patients and families in the emergency department and intensive care units, I now report, “I am always kind, but never nice”.
Kindness delivers truth with compassion and empathy. In receiving “nice-ness” one feels the uncertainty whether someone is being honest or covering up the truth. I would rather have the truth upfront rather than spin my wheels trying to figure out what you are really trying to convey.
It takes more courage to be honest than it does to pretend. If you love me, rip off the band aid. If you hate me, make me figure out if I am actually wearing a band aid and then make me suffer one pull and tug at a time.
I learned as a child when receiving a gift to be smiley and to lie about my love for it; as an adult I know inform, “I love gifts that I can eat, drink, and invest”. I confess, I am not really a physical gift giver as much as a relationship investor. I love going out for coffee and for dinner or traveling to an amazing place, making memories. I want to invest in experiences, not stuff. (Cash is, however, always welcome.)
Practicing kindness allows us to foster deep genuine connections with each other. I want the friends who tell me, “spinach in the teeth” rather than walking around smiling wondering why people are looking at me weird. I want a circle of truth tellers who lovingly cheer me and gently redirect me when I may be going off-line.
Practicing nice-ness, we do not ask for what we really need. Being nice does not convey honest and crucial feedback. It only overcompensates for others behaviors, not allowing them to take responsibility. Kind honesty speaks our spiritual and emotional truths (also good for our 5th chakra). Niceness stuffs down our feelings, only allowing them to continue to build and build over time. This is how a snowflake becomes a snowball. It is why in a disagreement people share frustrations from 9 years ago. What? What does something from so long ago have to do with what happened today?
When people act kindly, the brain releases a hormone called oxytocin that dampens fear and anxiety activity in the amygdala. Ever felt less stressed from helping others? It’s the calming effects of oxytocin reducing cortisol, the stress hormone that triggers a fight-or-flight response. Oxytocin also helps to keep our hearts strong and healthy by reducing blood pressure. So offering kindness actually helps us too.
Kindness is a verb. If you don’t care, go ahead, be nice and walk away. If you actually care, be kind, stand firm, speak your truth, say the hard things, work out the hard stuff, speak from your heart, honor yourself, build trust, make the memories, and transform lives.